If asked for one word to describe myself, I would say gumption. Corroborated by my astrologer, last night I played with it artistically. “Initiative, resourcefulness, enterprise, ingenuity, imagination; astuteness, shrewdness, acumen, sense, common sense, wit, mother wit, practicality; spirit, backbone, pluck, mettle, nerve, courage, wherewithal; informal get-up and go, spunk, oomph, moxie, savvy, horse sense, (street) smarts.” Included in these characteristics are OOPS and miscalculations. Plenty of them!
Thingamabob
Word of the Day from Dictionary.com. A noun “used to refer to or address a person or thing whose name one has forgotten, does not know, or does not wish to mention.”
Hereafter, a perfect word for the outrageous sociopath with 88 felony counts who the media insists on highlighting daily.
Unbridled
I’m returning to Franz Kafka’s quote, “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”
What he’s saying was facilitated for me by Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, A Spiritual Path To Higher Creativity. I asked my closest friend to engage with me in this twelve-week program that involved a “contract” of committing to write three pages in a journal each morning and a weekly artist date such as going to a museum, walking in the park, or any other appealing creative activity.
There was a caveat to this program stipulated in the “contract” of The Artist’s Way Morning Pages Journal that I signed. It was “I further understand that working with these tools may create deep change, some of it turbulent.” Of course, how could I possibly know what this meant? I glossed over it and, buoyed by my friend’s partnership, in February 2008 eagerly started reading chapter after chapter, writing daily, and enjoying varied artist dates.
Immediately after writing my first three pages, I had an epiphany. I took a long, deep breath. I realized I had just begun the process of saying Hello to my Self and Yes to recognition of my soul and core of my being, after 26 years of separation that began in 1982. That’s when I met the man, who I eventually married, and started taking “creative U-turns” from my theatrical course. What a whirlwind! Such a long time for thwarted truth and absence from my authenticity. I spent so many waking hours working to understand and manage this man’s narcissistic tendencies, his assorted addictions, my tendencies, our relationship dynamics, household, and motherhood obligations. Even though I absolutely loved being a mother, there was not much space to pause and ponder the accelerating disconnection to my creative desires and what I was doing.
I continued with The Artist’s Way well beyond the twelve weeks. Writing is powerful! Within six months, my writings revealed to me that I had no other choice but to leave my husband, our marriage, and antiquated marital contract punctuated with dominance and control. Given home insecurity from childhood, the thought of essentially blowing up our family and moving away from the gorgeous homes I arduously remodeled was daunting to say the least. Then add financial insecurity. Ah, the caveat! “I further understand working with these tools may create deep change, some of it turbulent.” In my case, true. And, I must add treacherous.
This is my graphite and acrylic work loaded with unbridled in cursive juxtaposing be a good girl. I worked so hard to be a good girl, to be a good wife. When it was all said and done, I could not have a Self in that marriage. My life went unnoticed. So, I got out!
Franz Kafka Quote
Happily, I’m in a book publishing program. The two Book Doulas and founders, sent this quote today by Franz Kafka as a prompt for today, the last day of our 15-Day Writing Challenge to daily write 1,000 words. It did the trick, igniting further gumption. Determined to reap the benefits, I succeeded and even exceeded the daily challenge. Creativity is flowing!
“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”
As my neighbor and fellow creative said, “It’s a quote that summarizes the creative minds…or process.”
Crown And Ladybug
This is my version of a bejeweled crown. As a ladybug somehow flew in when I was painting, I just changed the title to include it.
“Ladybugs are associated with good luck and positivity. To some, their presence means good fortune and change are heading your way. Ladybugs can also symbolize spiritual guidance, abundance and protection.” Parade.com
Tribute 2
Especially today, February 12, 2024, with heartfelt emotions, I celebrate Rick Jarow’s life. His body is being cremated and last rites performed in the Sacred Land of Pondicherry by the Yogi Ramsuratkumar Universal Spiritual Center (For World Peace and Religious Harmony.)
From my astrological readings and perusal of the notes I jotted down during our twice-monthly Fruits of Ananda meetings, a couple of gems really stand out. In encouraging me to understand and keep rising through challenges, Rick would consistently say the 3 P’s are very active in my chart: Persistence, Perseverance and Patience. To our group, he periodically would state: there’s a place that needs me, there’s a place I need to be, and can I trust in the wisdom of the infinite one that these places come together?”
Unquestionably, he left this earth plane feeling fulfilled, happy, complete, and is now in perfect alignment, in a place that needs him and a place he needs to be. In Ananda, in bliss!
In deep gratitude for helping to save and nurture my life, and with blessings and guidance from his everlasting, fatherly presence and teachings, I move forward enriched and fortified. I must continue my mission and purpose, without intimidation, of exploring and expressing my fullest potential through beauty, art, writing, and speaking out to affect positive changes. In essence and per Rick, “Integrate the energies of Warrior and Peace Maker, Power and Love, Earth and Sky.” Onwards, sparkling unabashedly with boldness and authenticity, Karen Justis.
Tribute 1
Last Thursday I found out my masterful astrologer and inspirational guide Rick Jarow passed on from the physical realm. He was traveling in India, left his body there, and joined the spirit realm. Just the week before I had been on a Zoom call with him as part of his Fruits of Ananda group and was eagerly awaiting the next one, even though I sensed completion. His death at the age of 71 was utterly shocking and a jolting reminder of impermanence; that it is a given for everyone and everything. I feel heartbroken! The world feels a lot less comforting and safe without him as a pillar.
He was tall, robust looking, and an extraordinary being who, for decades, worked in academia as a professor of religious studies at Vassar. In addition, he “had years of personal, in-depth study in Asian and Western spiritual traditions, mythology, astrology, and shamanism. He taught workshops internationally that helped people open to their intuition.”
In all aspects of life, he was a phenomenal teacher. I will cherish his memory, his plethora of intriguing stories, his teachings on spirituality and abundance and sorely miss my yearly “progressed” astrological readings. Reading after reading, his accuracy in forecasting the planetary influences and giving strong guidance was astounding at 100%. I loved that he encouraged me not to hold back in life and “Integrate the energies of Warrior and Peacemaker, Power and Love.”
I first met him in late fall 2009. I was enrolled in the CIIS Sound, Voice Music Healing Certificate program, and the facilitator was hosting a weekend workshop with Rick at her Emeryville loft. Since he was staying at a hotel in San Francisco and I lived close by, she asked if I could drive him back and forth across the Bay Bridge. My total pleasure of course and, luckily, my SUV comfortably accommodated his height. He was very thankful for my chauffeuring and kindness. Before he opened the door for the last drop-off, he looked at me and said to let him know if he could do anything for me. I quickly responded, “As a matter of fact, I’d love to have an astrological reading with you, but you’ve got such a long waiting list.” (I checked his website after initially meeting him.) He immediately said, “Done! I’ll make sure my assistant puts you at the top of the list and gets you in right away”. Elated, I drove off feeling so good about transporting him, the many healings and wisdom he offered during the workshop, and that I would soon get a highly coveted astrological review of my life plus recommendations on evolving through my many challenges.
Within a couple of weeks, I was on the phone with Rick having a Natal Full-Life Reading. Every year thereafter, I easily booked Progressed Readings for 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2022. In total, fourteen readings. With a busy fall schedule and vacation, I forgot to book one in late 2023. Now it’s too late.
He was such a wise, guiding force for me. During my divorce litigation, his astrological input buoyed me, and his strength fortified me for the fight and war of my life. He was kind-hearted and offered strong, positive male energy and support when I needed it the most in the last 14 years in dealing with leaving the marriage and building a new life. Even though he was highly spiritual and oozed divine energy, he had no issue telling me that I was going to war, that I had to so I didn’t get shafted. (He even shared a vision of a scene from a past war.) From my chart, he also gave me a heads up that my family, that is my older sister of 16 months and her twin sons, were engaged in unscrupulous behavior involving mother’s estate and stealing my inheritance. He told me, “You cannot let this happen!” Unfortunately, it did.
Consistently, his advice was not soft; rather, it was, per my charged chart and karma, quite forceful and direct in advising what to do. Often, he repeated to me the 3 P’s - persistence, perseverance and patience. The bolstering he provided was and is unmeasurable.
What a blessing Rick was in my live and the lives of countless others around the world. Quantum! I feel forever grateful to have known this giant of a man. His words, “There’s a place that needs you and a place you need to be; can you see and trust them coming together” are reverberating.
Oh My Goodness
There’s been a resurgence of financial dealings with ex. Admittedly, they are triggering! As far as I’m concerned, we still have unfinished business and all is not copacetic. In our most recent email exchange about belated spousal support, I asked him appropriately and in a benign manner if he would schedule the checks via USPS to be sent earlier so I would get them by the first of the month when my mortgage payment is due. (Of course, Zelle and Venmo transfers were out of the question. He simply wasn’t going to tend to this as a monthly task.) His snarly response was a bit shocking; most definitely off-putting in his refusal and corroboration of unfinished business. Surprisingly, instead of getting angry, I started roaring with laughter at his absurdity as if he was the “poor” victim. Then, the words, oh my goodness, popped into my head followed by a vision of my artwork. I forwarded it to him with the caption, “I turned injustice into art”.
In essence, creating art out of my passion for justice is transcendent, and I will continue my quest for beauty and balance no matter what the situation is.
I Have Something To Say
It turned out to be an unusual morning on 7/28/2017. First, I had a medical appointment at a San Francisco hospital at 9:15. I parked in the garage close by. After climbing the short flight of stairs, I arrived at the elevator and noticed a tall man standing with his head bent downward. He then glanced at me ever-so-briefly before resuming his previous head position. With my quick scan, I realized familiarity. As I entered the small elevator, I knew he was high-powered attorney #3 in my divorce litigation. Given the passing of 5 years since termination of our contract, the short elevator ride, and Iphone, the scenario was such that, although awkward, it was easy to avoid acknowledgment. I would say for both of us as my bet is he recognized me too.
Although older, he was still handsome with a fit physique. Memories flared and flooded my mind with all that had transpired between us regarding my case. Most definitely, there were moments of high drama, good moments when I felt he was my ally and ardent supporter in securing the best, most right settlement, disturbing moments when I felt confused by his anti-advocate rhetoric and actions, and bad moments where I felt diminished with sexism in play. Most notably, when he quit via email right before a long-anticipated trial. His lurch of abandonment left me in a horrible situation, and I hold him highly accountable for his lack of ethics, taking my money and running after 6 months, and loss of a financial settlement that was just given my long-term marriage.
I wasn’t an alcoholic or drug addict. I paid every hefty bill immediately. I was a “good girl” and quiet with a compelling case; yet, he abruptly quit, essentially firing me. On top of leaving me stranded in our scary, broken legal system, he retriggered the trauma from my beloved father’s sudden death when I was a child. I do remember pausing, taking a deep breath, and saying to myself, so now, as an adult, I get to experience what abandonment really feels like! Unlike my go-to brilliant childhood coping mechanism of disassociating, I vowed to remain present and move through it with focus and awareness for completion. I feel proud of myself that, in the midst of this latest legal crisis and tremendous fear, I chose to evolve.
Circling back to the medical appointment, reflection then turned to dinner with a friend the night before. She also went through an acrimonious divorce. I told her I am not done, that, although my art is part of my narrative and reflects my heart wrenching experience, writing was also necessary to offer further clarifications. To which she responded, “You’re too charged up! Why not let it go?”
Let it go? Well, although I’ve certainly been in and out of having a need and the energy to express the gist of what transpired, and knowing letting go is ultimately essential, I do believe speaking out is integral to my life’s purpose. On this particular morning, not only did I run into this man in the garage going to my appointment, but I ran into him again in the garage leaving it. He lives in Mill Valley. What are the odds of this happening twice with a key player in the turbulent past on the same day at the same time? Of course, these are tips, stimulus, glaring reminders to stay on track, keep my creative momentum going and state what is necessary for justice, transcendence, and release. Standing tall with wide shoulders and erect posture, I vow to keep declaring with strength and triumph that I Have Something To Say!
This dense, kinetic work is multi-layered spontaneous cursive writing, courtesy of black acrylic pens. The last word is Extraordinary.
The Hero's Journey
One day serious self-doubt crept in. I felt very alone, wondering what my life was, and unable to see my future. I was in an apartment exceeding the time period I swore it was limited to when I took the plunge and purchased it. My exact words were, this will work for 2 years! The old reconverted warehouse really wasn’t a match and soon-to-find out culture. Neither was the neighborhood in downtown San Francisco. Not comforting, serene, or nurturing for this HSP (highly sensitive person.) Naturally, I began to reminisce about my entire life up to that point, and what I had given up this latter half in blowing up the family unit, leaving the long-term marriage, beautiful houses, and bit of a jet-set lifestyle. Emotionally, I was not in a good place.
With desperation, I reached for a large piece of Duralene, a matte surface, paper-like film that accepts any media, and placed it on my expansive table. I then grabbed a tiny bottle of black acrylic ink with a squirt top and, in frenetic motion, squirted the ink all over the surface. It was as though my conscious self was in a trance and the force of creativity took over. This process of expression and perhaps expulsion was amazingly quite fast and complete. When I finished, I looked at the work and felt thrilled to see a robust figure playfully in motion. What popped into my head was A Hero’s Journey. It was resoundingly clear I’ve been on a hero’s journey from victim to transpersonal since birth; that I AM a hero!
Immediately, I felt calm with a deeper understanding and appreciation of myself, in the midst of unfathomable fear, for forging ahead with tremendous courage on a path of autonomy and unbridled exploration of my potential. On this quest, I have experienced and endured many surprising, excruciating emotional hurdles and wasn’t sure at times if I would survive let alone thrive.
Once again, art has saved me. Whenever I look at this figure in ink, I am struck with clarity of purpose and inspiration to keep expanding through my daily life with love, beauty, forgiveness, compassion, boldness, and authenticity.
