I’m returning to Franz Kafka’s quote, “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”
What he’s saying was facilitated for me by Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, A Spiritual Path To Higher Creativity. I asked my closest friend to engage with me in this twelve-week program that involved a “contract” of committing to write three pages in a journal each morning and a weekly artist date such as going to a museum, walking in the park, or any other appealing creative activity.
There was a caveat to this program stipulated in the “contract” of The Artist’s Way Morning Pages Journal that I signed. It was “I further understand that working with these tools may create deep change, some of it turbulent.” Of course, how could I possibly know what this meant? I glossed over it and, buoyed by my friend’s partnership, in February 2008 eagerly started reading chapter after chapter, writing daily, and enjoying varied artist dates.
Immediately after writing my first three pages, I had an epiphany. I took a long, deep breath. I realized I had just begun the process of saying Hello to my Self and Yes to recognition of my soul and core of my being, after 26 years of separation that began in 1982. That’s when I met the man, who I eventually married, and started taking “creative U-turns” from my theatrical course. What a whirlwind! Such a long time for thwarted truth and absence from my authenticity. I spent so many waking hours working to understand and manage this man’s narcissistic tendencies, his assorted addictions, my tendencies, our relationship dynamics, household, and motherhood obligations. Even though I absolutely loved being a mother, there was not much space to pause and ponder the accelerating disconnection to my creative desires and what I was doing.
I continued with The Artist’s Way well beyond the twelve weeks. Writing is powerful! Within six months, my writings revealed to me that I had no other choice but to leave my husband, our marriage, and antiquated marital contract punctuated with dominance and control. Given home insecurity from childhood, the thought of essentially blowing up our family and moving away from the gorgeous homes I arduously remodeled was daunting to say the least. Then add financial insecurity. Ah, the caveat! “I further understand working with these tools may create deep change, some of it turbulent.” In my case, true. And, I must add treacherous.
This is my graphite and acrylic work loaded with unbridled in cursive juxtaposing be a good girl. I worked so hard to be a good girl, to be a good wife. When it was all said and done, I could not have a Self in that marriage. My life went unnoticed. So, I got out!
