Instagram

Each day I receive multiple notifications that a certain person or company posted for the first time in a while. This makes me realize that I am not the only one who has felt somewhat befuddled, perhaps lost, with creativity, inspiration, and business greatly affected by Covid and months of erratic shelter-in-place mandates. (My leanings are not far right, nor are they far left liberal authoritarianism.) Although early on I managed to clean out drawers and closets, overall, I did not find 2020 to be a time of finishing creative projects; essentially, wrapping things up in readiness for new horizons. Conversely, I felt shut down, isolated, and constricted in a desolate urban area of high rises and concrete with little motivation to write and paint. Was it wasted time? Perhaps. Regardless, I accept that I found myself somewhat steeped in introspection and a state of funk, illustrated by my small works below. Is this changing? Yes, thank goodness, and like the blossoming of a flower, I trust in my work and openings for new opportunities.

In this image I have written a 4-letter word starting with h.

Deconstruction

Yesterday I was speaking to a friend. Among other things, I told her I was not in a great zest for life mode and haven’t been for a while. As I had just finished a Spirit Rock workshop on “Yes: Practicing What Is”, she reminded me to say yes to and just allow what I was feeling and experiencing. (I suddenly remembered my posts on Just is, the moments where I got it.) Then, right before saying goodbye, she said, “Deconstruction, Karen!” I said I would have to look up the definition to understand fully. To which she replied, Reconstruction!”

Deconstruction: “A method of critical analysis of philosophical and literary language which emphasizes the internal workings of language and conceptual systems, the relational quality of meaning, and the assumptions implicit in forms of expression.” (English Dictionary)

Reconstruction: “A thing that has been rebuilt after being damaged or destroyed; comparison between the original and the reconstruction.” (English Dictionary)

Aha, I had been trapped in negative mental habits and patterns of thought that diminished my soul vitality. Further, as Byron Katie said, “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that is true for every human being ….. I found that suffering is optional.” And so, I write, get out my paints, and claim myself as the artist I Am.

Differentiation

When 25% indoor dining resumed a short time ago, my son and I went to one of our favorites, a restaurant in Marin. Shortly after sitting down, a gentleman brought over 2 large glasses of ice water. Immediately I said, “Oh, we would like water with no ice, please.” As he was removing the glasses, my son said to him, “It’s okay, I’ll keep the ice water.” As we just had acupuncture treatments, I then said, “Well, acupuncturists don’t recommend ice water as it can interfere with digestion.” With his cold stare I knew my comment was off-putting. He then uttered, “Differentiation, Mom!” My immediate response was, “I get it, sorry, and just delete!“ Whew - we recovered and had a nice dinner. Later at home, I started playing with this word perhaps in reverence to his desire and need for individuation.

Fantabulous

“Extremely fine or desirable; excellent; wonderful”. What a great, fun word! I vow to be more mindful of fantabulous moments throughout my days. (Today’s Word Of The Day from Dictionary.com).

Alembic

“Anything that transforms, purifies, or refines.” (Today’s Word Of The Day from Dictionary.com). In the April 2020 astrological reading, my astrologer said I was in a Saturn period wherein there are some structures I just cannot change affecting home and family, with a sense of being burdened with responsibility. So, the serenity prayer is appropriate. Simultaneously, planets are moving in the direction of revelatory energies such that, boom, it opens up and I see the whole thing. Therefore, he recommended I stay in the “alembic”, the pressure cooker, rather than jump out which I would be tempted to do. Staying in the heat is what is significant! At the time, I had not heard of this word nor did I have a clue how to spell it.

Turbo

In 2012 I invited a couple of friends and artists over to my house for an artists’ date. It was agreed that I would present a theme. I had covered tables set up with various mediums and a stack of glassine, a thin, glossy transparent paper. As the theme was working with this paper, I gave a quick 20 minute demonstration. Using markers and acrylic ink, this is what appeared. I could see it as a character in an animated film.

Flock

Oh my goodness, crows seem to be everywhere! Is it the lockdown and street inactivity that’s encouraging their infiltration? Each morning and each evening, the crowing is quite something. Seriously, like Hitchcock’s Birds. I wonder what they know and what they are conveying. (Will have to revisit a previous post on crow medicine.) Anyway, I sorely miss small birds and sweet chirping.

Branches Severed

Time to move! As was said before, “There is a place that needs me and there is a place I need to be.” I do see those places coming together.

Tree trunk:

Tree Loss And Stark Reality

Last Tuesday I woke up feeling positive and energized. Certainly a welcome relief during these lockdown days! Right away, the lighting in my living room seemed different and, with a very quick glance, I noticed my partially drawn white solar shade was blank. I proceeded to make a cup of green tea and was about to meditate when I looked at the shade again. Absent was the beautiful reflection of the leaves from the large tree directly in front of my window. I opened the shade fully and, to my horror, a huge chunk of it was gone. Gone also was my privacy from the contemporary high rise across the street. With an intense visceral reaction, I started shaking. The shock and severity were triggers catapulting me back to the trauma of waking up one morning as a young girl and finding out my father had died in his sleep. I lost my protector, my ally, my everything. I cannot even imagine the depth of what I felt at the time and for days, months, and years afterwards. This tree and the loss gave me a clue to the stark reality as I became steeped in anger, sadness, and fear. Perhaps an offshoot blessing was processing and chipping away at the grief I haven’t always been aware of but still carry.

Without a doubt, this large-scaled tree has been a protector of sorts shielding me from the view of others, a view of a high rise, the sun bouncing off of it, and weather. It was an asset to my apartment and elevated the scene of my living room as well as my sense of beauty and well-being.

After firing off numerous emails to the board, I received a message with a picture of the fallen branches. Evidently the Monday night strong wind ripped them off. I do believe that both my HOA and city officials are culpable in setting up the vulnerability and breakage by not providing proper tree care and pruning for the last 6 years.

This adds insult to injury as I lost another, similarly large tree outside my bedroom window in 2016, again stripping away all privacy and beauty. A speeding truck driver hit the tree so hard that it had to be chopped down. City living for now!

Chrome Browser

When I opened it today at 2:37, the message was “You are creative, Karen.” This was followed by a Rumi quote, “What you seek is seeking you.” I thought this was a bit synchronistic as my daily invocation, courtesy of Rick Jarow and his webinar on manifestation, is “There’s a place that needs me and there’s a place I need to be.” Can I see those places coming together?

I think the two messages are quite similar.